I Want to Take Every Attrative Man on Earth and Put Him in Drag… OMG!!!
I cannot express in words how I feel about the Rocky Horror Picture Show, or even how I feel about Tim Curry who plays Head Bitch in Charge, Dr. Frank-N-Furter. I was first introduced to the Rocky Horror Picture Show while watching a spoof on The Drew Carey Show. I was automatically turned off because there is nothing worse than watching a fat white man dancing in the streets in his underwear. Despite the choreographed dance numbers in that episode, Drew Carey accurately depicted the Rocky Horror cult status as the midnight movie where fans dress up as their favorite character, go see the movie really late at night in the East Village or some other place where it won’t be weird for a man to walk down the street in heels and a negligee, and recite all of the movie’s lines along with the rest of the freaks.
I actually didn’t see the movie until about 2 years ago one starless New York City night. I’m not a fan of musicals. I hated Cats, I fell asleep during the Lion King, and I thought RENT was absolutely the worst thing ever made. But, this shit right herre… is quite possibly the most badass movie/musical ever made about transsexual alien hedonists… ever! The story revolves around the square couple Janet Weiss (Susan Sarandon) and Brad Majors (Barry Bostwick) who are young, dumb, and absolutely enamored with each other. They get lost somewhere, the deets are a little sketchy in the beginning anyway, because it’s not really important how they end up at Dr. Frank-N-Furter’s castle, but that they end up there and during the Annual Transylvanian Convention where Dr. Frank-N-Furter unleashes his mantastic creation, hot-body Rocky. All of this while occasionally singing and dancing… more oft than not. The excitement is interrupted by Eddie, a fat ugly version of Elvis; who crashes through the wall on a motorcycle. Frank-N-Furter furiously butchers Eddie with an ice axe and then calmly leaves the premises arm-in-arm with Rocky… his new play toy just like how a bad bitch is supposed to. The guests (Janet and Brad) are shown to their separate bedrooms. Frank-N-Furter attempts to individually seduce both Janet and Brad with his weird alien mind tricks, which only work on Brad. Janet finds out about Brad’s homosexual love affair… which you can’t really call gay because Frank-N-Furter is HOT! She runs off to Rocky and unleashes the beast in his birth cage while Magenta the maid (Patricia Quinn) and Columbia the tap-dancing floozy (Nell Campbell) watch from a hidden camera or something. After all of that love-making Frank-N-Furter realizes Rocky is missing, finds him with Janet, and all hell is about to break loose until some intruder scientist Dr. Everett Scott (Jonathan Adams) finds his way into the story. Dr. Scott also happens to be Janet and Brad’s old high school science teacher and Eddie’s uncle. Frank-N-Furter gathers his guests to the dinner table for supper. We soon find out it is Eddie’s carcass being served. Fed up with everyone stealing his spotlight (and Janet stealing his man), like a true diva, Frank-N-Furter turns Janet, Brad, Dr. Scott, Rocky, and Columbia into statues with his “Madusa Transducer.” He then dresses them up in corsets, high heels, teeny little black silk undies, ridiculously large boas and face paint. He then unfreezes them and they are forced to perform some sort of cabaret dance number. Magenta and Riff Raff the handyman(Richard O’Brien), fed up with the show, stage a mutiny which ends in the death of Rocky, Columbia and Frank-N-Furter. They free Dr. Scott, Brad, and Janet and take off in the castle/space ship.
It all sounds like some really fucked up version of The Wizard of Oz. Riff Raff, Magenta and Frank-N-Furter all make small appearances in the beginning of the film as patrons of the church where Janet and Brad just attended a wedding; just like all of the characters in Dorothy’s Land of Oz. Maybe they crashed into a tree while driving in the stormy weather and were knocked unconscious and had some crazy existential, soul-searching dream that alluded to the fact that they weren’t ready to be married and tied down to each other just like Dorothy realizes there’s no place like home. It makes sense. But then again, how do you explain the boas and the makeup… and the stink of hot gay sex?!!
It’s amazing how something so unorthodox when first introduced can become so mainstream as to be reincarnated in the atrociously white bread Fox TV hit Glee. The Glee version is even gayer than the original movie… and I didn’t think that was possible. I mean, Britney Spears and Lady Gaga are definitely not on par with Tim Curry… not even close. Even the “glee” club at my high school was gay… the members included the typical socially awkward, acne-prone boys who sometimes touched themselves in Spanish class when they thought no one was looking.
Maybe when it’s a little bit warmer (or when I’m nice and drunk and balmy on the inside) I will dress up like Columbia and venture out to the theatre in Chelsea to catch the midnight show. Who’s with? Men are definitely invited, especially if you look like a young Tim Curry. <33333333
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