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Kind of a Drag

In the slap-stick comedy Victor/Victoria, Julie Andrews unconvincingly plays the struggling singer Victoria Grant who—in an incident involving a cockroach, a shrunken jacket, a closet, an aging homosexual stage performer and his ex-lover—plans to make a career impersonating a female impersonator.  And of course this story takes place in France… all the men in France are female impersonators. Ahahah… I kid. Julie Andrews makes this potentially controversial film wholesome and lighthearted… because I mean, she’s the lady from The Sound of Music… you don’t get much more wholesome than that.  Although, the original German Viktor und Viktoria must have been brutal to watch. I bet Viktoria had a mustache… but not like as a special effect or costume or anything… I bet the real live actual actress had a for real hairy upper lip. The only thing that could have made this movie more interesting would be if the actor playing Victoria was a man, thus making it a move about a man playing a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman. I nominate Irish thespian Cillian Murphy who did an excellent job portraying a transsexual orphan searching for his mother in Breakfast on Pluto. Having run away from home, the ultra-effeminate Patrick (sometimes referred to as Patricia, most times referred to as “Kitten”) ventures on a search to find his mother; the Mitzy Gaynor look-a-like who was impregnated by the horny Father Liam. Kitten creates this sort of delusional and often comical fantasy land based on all of the fucked up shit that comes with being a wide-eyed transvestite from Ireland turning tricks in London during the 1970s. As with all movies of this sort, what Kitten is searching for is not her long-lost mummy, but herself and her place in the world; which was where it has always been… with the people who love her most. You can’t say the same thing about Chris Tucker in the sci-fi flick The Fifth Element… I don’t think anybody really loves him in that movie. Wait, that’s not completely true. The ladies actually really love the androgynous Ruby Rhod… on some like Michael Jackson, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber screaming fan status. There must be something absolutely delectable about a svelte black man donning a sleek leopard print body suit with a kinky blonde cone sprouting from his head. Thank you Jean Paul Gaultier for once again permanently imprinting these disturbing images in my brain, and thank you Chris Tucker for helping them come to fruition.  I love you both… unconditionally. Why are the outfits in every futuristic movie I have ever seen always so tight and spandx-y and the characters so androgynous? Hmmm… this is actually a future I can look forward to. I for one love the stewardesses’ slinky blue uniforms in the Fifth Element. I love Bruce Willis’s tight orange man-tank. And I love Mila Jovovich’s brightly colored dominatrix-inspired ensembles. Everything is so sexual it makes me giddy. If you got it, flaunt it, boy you know I want it…  I know, those aren’t the lyrics to that Beyoncé song, but imagine if men were sexually objectified instead of women… that’s definitely how the song would go. Also, you’re going to have to just deal with my random access thought process. I have ADD apparently. Speaking of dancing queers, I LOVED Hank Azaria as the flamboyant Latin domestic in The Birdcage. Robin Williams and Nathan Lane are my favorite faux-gay couple ever! And Gene Hackman looks damn good in a platinum blonde wig. #imjustsayin




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